“For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the LORD of hosts.” Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously.”– Malachi 2:16
GOD hates divorce, and we should too; we should hate a situation that is so destructive to everyone around us and to us ourselves. How do you separate one flesh without violence and pain? Imagine for a moment that you grab someone by one leg and by the other leg, and then you pull it apart—that’s the brutal image that is being presented here in the word of God. Someone scarred by divorce shared a similar haunting truth, “divorce is like losing both arms and legs and leaving you with no wheelchair.”
Isn’t it revealing that we marry in church, seeking God’s blessing on our union in the presence of His angels, yet when we want out, we bypass Him entirely? We also sidestep the friends, family, and church who witnessed our vows and often pledged to support our covenant, turning instead to a courthouse to file for divorce and thus, reducing our sacred vows to a purely legal matter.
Our sinful nature tempts us to justify our actions that go against the word of God. We cherish and cling to Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 13:8 that ‘love never fails’ when we make wedding vows, yet abandon it when our marriages faces difficulty. Such decisions typically reflect a reliance on human reasoning over this enduring biblical truth.
A pastor shared, “I’ve had people come to me about their marriages who seemed to want my permission for divorce—not my advice.” This reveals what Voddie Baucham addresses bluntly: “Marriage is not difficult because of the person you happened to be married to. Let me let you in on a little secret – you’re the problem.” We often play the victim and blame our spouse, remaining blind to our own sinfulness. The truth is, we all have flaws and sinful tendencies—marriage simply exposes them.
Dave Harvey notes in When Sinners Say I Do: “Marriage is a place where two sinners become so connected that all of the masks come off… If our eyes are open, we discover wonderful things about our spouses that we never knew were there. We also discover more of the other person’s weaknesses. But without mercy differences become divisive, sometimes even irreconcilable, but deep profound differences are the reality of every marriage. It’s not the presence of differences, but the absence of mercy that make them irreconcilable”
Divine Blueprint: Steadfast Love
At its core, marriage reflects God’s unbreakable covenant with His bride, the Church, elevating it beyond a human contract into a sacred bond that mirrors the steadfastness of God’s own covenant. The Reformation Study Bible defines the Hebrew word hesed as “loyalty to a covenant relationship”—a word often translated as “loving-kindness” or “steadfast love,” capturing God’s unwavering devotion to His covenant people as shown in Scripture: “The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:22-23). In the New Testament, Jesus embodies this same commitment in His love for His disciples: “Having loved his own who were in the world, He loved them to the end” (John 13:1).
This steadfast love—unwavering, unearned, and enduring despite our failures—provides the divine blueprint for marriage. Just as God remains faithful to His people through their rebellion and weakness, spouses are called to demonstrate hesed toward each other through imperfection, disappointment, and hardship. The Bible urges us to cherish steadfast love as our greatest treasure:
“Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favour and good success in the sight of God and man” (Proverbs 3:3-4).
The book of Hosea vividly illustrates God’s steadfast love (hesed). God commanded Hosea to marry a woman—either one already known as a prostitute or one who would later become unfaithful to him—symbolizing Israel’s unfaithfulness and God’s steadfast love to His covenant people despite their sin. This steadfast love is rooted not in human merit but in God’s graciousness and mercy. Jesus echoes this truth in saying, “You did not choose me, but I chose you” (John 15:16). In marriage, we are called to reflect this unconditional love, keeping in mind that the person we choose is as flawed and sinful as we are.
Assessing another person’s character is difficult under any circumstances, especially during courtship, when intense emotions and naturally polished self-presentation can cloud our judgement. None of us enters marriage with perfect discernment, but God works sovereignly through our choices, calling us to trust His purposes in the spouse He has given us. As Dave Harvey observes in When Sinners Say I Do: “Your spouse was a strategic choice made by a wise and loving God, selected by Him for you from the beginning of the world. Your spouse is an essential plan of God’s rescue mission for your life.”
When you marry, you vow before God to stay committed to your spouse for better or for worse, in good times and in bad times, through success and setback, in happiness and hardship. This is hesed—a decision to love beyond fleeting emotions, declaring “I’m in for the long haul.” Though it is hard work at times, keeping our vows glorifies God.
Mislabeling Sin as Mental Illness
The great reformer Martin Luther famously described marriage as a “school of character.” Luther humorously captures its challenges, saying: “Good God, what a lot of trouble there is in marriage! Adam has made a mess of our nature. Think of all the squabbles Adam and Eve must have had in the course of their nine hundred years. Eve would say, ‘You ate the apple,’ and Adam would retort, ‘You gave it to me.’“
Tension is inevitable in marriage—including heated conflicts at times. But what matters is that couples learn to work through disagreements, resolve their differences, and sincerely forgive one another. God often uses the daily challenges of married life to refine us, helping us grow in Christlike virtues.
Psychological research shows Narcissistic Personality Disorder affects only 1-2% of people, yet many casually label their spouse or ex as a “narcissist” for selfish behavior. Similarly, “gaslighting” now describes mere disagreements rather than deliberate manipulation, diluting its meaning. Such judgmental labelling of the whole person seems like a way to write someone off as hard-hearted and unreachable and can deepen conflict during divorce, closing doors to understanding or reconciliation.
As Harvey observes: “How we respond when we think we have been sinned against can reveal self-righteousness. Perhaps the easiest and most common reaction is to assign ourselves as judge, prosecutor, court recorder and jury. Not surprisingly, this tends to be pretty open and shut case.” Scripture frames such flaws as selfishness or pride, offering hope through repentance and change—though progress may be slow, like a seed growing beneath the surface before transformation blooms.
God’s Concession, Not License
Consider an analogy: can a parent legitimately disown their children or a child abandon their parents? The answer is that such abandonment violates the created order. Yet Scripture prioritizes the marriage bond as even more sacred than the parent-child relationship. Matthew Henry explains, “The fundamental law of marriage, which is, that a man shall leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, Matt. 19:5. The relation between husband and wife is nearer than that between parents and children; now, if the filial relation may not easily be violated, much less may the marriage union be broken.”
“Let not man separate” does not mean man cannot sever this bond of marriage—it means they should not (like other commands not to murder or steal). Even for adultery, divorce is permitted but never commanded. As John MacArthur notes, “Divorce was never commanded, even for adultery. Otherwise, God would have given His notice of divorce to Israel and Judah long before He did. A legitimate bill of divorce was allowable for adultery, but it was never commanded or required. It was a last resort – to be used only when unrepentant immorality had exhausted the patience of the innocent spouse, and the guilty one would not be restored.”
God provided regulations in Mosaic law (Deuteronomy 24:1-4) because of the hardness of human hearts (Matthew 19:8)—a concession to address divorce in a fallen world, not an endorsement of its practice. According to Scripture, a marriage may be ended only in two circumstances: divorce in the case of sexual immorality (Matthew 5:32), or abandonment by an unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15). These exceptions reflect the fundamental nature of marriage as a covenant binding two people until death (Romans 7:2).
Significantly, these limitations were given in a time when many marriages were arranged. If such restrictions applied then, how much more should they apply today, when people freely choose their partners? Yet in our era of free choice, divorce is pursued for almost any reason and has become easier to obtain.
The Covenant We Swear
No-Fault Divorce was first legalised in California in 1969, and by 2010, every state in the US had adopted it. Here in the UK, Scotland legalized a form of no-fault divorce in 2006, before England and Wales in 2022, with discussions ongoing for Northern Ireland to adopt it. This change replaced the previous system, which required one party to prove fault—such as adultery, unreasonable behaviour, or desertion—before a divorce could be granted.
This fundamental shift in law meant that marriages could be dissolved without proving any fault or wrongdoing. With no-fault divorce laws legal in numerous Western countries today, our legal systems have abandoned any recognition of marriage vows as sacred. Yet God will still hold us culpable for keeping those promises when we swear in His presence and by His name. This is why understanding God’s covenant perspective is so critical.
According to Psalm 138:2, God exalts His name (which includes His character of steadfast love) and His word (which include His covenant promises) above all things. When God makes a covenant, He swears by His name, tying His reputation to keeping His word (Hebrews 6:13; Ezekiel 36:22). Similarly, marriage vows made before God reflect His word and therefore bind us to uphold what He holds sacred. Dishonouring the marriage covenant undermines the divine covenant it reflects, grieving God’s faithful heart. To break these vows is to dishonour God’s name, akin to taking it in vain (Exodus 20:7).
“When a husband and wife say “I do,” they are not just making promises to one another; they are making vows to the Lord. And a covenant, unlike a contract, is binding. It is permanent. It is costly.” – Virgil L. Walker
In Christ Alone 