bittersweet words

NaBloPoMo for Friday, May 20th: What was your biggest regret this week?

Opening my mouth and letting something just slip out, and not thinking twice. Only to have it bite me in the ass a day later. It placed me in a horrible situation and I was simply horrified with myself. How had I let this happen? How could this be? And to make it all worse, it made my mother angry with me. She scolded me in blunt Chinese in an airport terminal, in front of five Chinese businessmen who all turned to watch and listen while she was yelling. She followed it up with 24 hours of nagging and berating. Not only did I make myself want to strangle my mother because she never knows when to shut up, but I stunned myself with my callousness and inability to shut the fuck up.

I live life with no regrets. So perhaps this isn’t a “regret”, but it is something I look back on and think that I have severely screwed myself.

And while my mom has stopped scolding me for the last 24 hours, I have no doubt it will come up again tonight while working at the restaurant, several more times this weekend, and repeatedly over the years. Because, simply, that is how my mom is. And this time, it’s all my fault for putting myself into this situation.

Did you do anything this week that you “regret” or with didn’t happen or you could change?

NaBloPoMo: What is the best part about travel?

Seeing new places, exploring. Discovering. Discovering not only a new city, but new parts of yourself you never knew excited, new emotions, new thoughts. Being inspired. Seeing the beauty of the world.

What decision is currently weighing on your mind?

This one is simple. My future, and everything that goes into it. What the next step is. Such a simple thing, yet so difficult.

NaBloPoMo #3: Talk about [how] you feel about making decisions.

Hm, it all depends. If it’s something simple such as where to eat, I can make it quickly if it’s only me. If I’m with other people, I prefer to defer. I will usually have everyone else choose as I don’t like to choose for everyone.

In regards to decision regarding aspects of my life, in my career, or what not, I am very careful. I can make quick decisions, but this has a lot to do with my brain being able to compute a decision and it’s resulting consequences and outcomes very quickly. I can scan everything and decide which outcome I want the most and move down that path. I believe decisions need to be made quickly, but I won’t rush it. I will consider every possibility, every consequence, every outcome, and then decide which choice is the best. Is this odd?

How do you make decisions?

NaBloPoMo #2: Talk about grief. Talk about the opposite of grief.

Grief. The word itself brings a black cloud. It is all-encompassing and utterly heartbreaking. To lose someone brings sadness. But when grief comes, it’s a bitter mixture of tears and anger. It can last for a few hours, to several years. It comes in waves. It disappears sometimes. And it can return. The burden gets lighter over time, but when you fall back down it’s hole, it’s as if it’s a fresh new pain. That is grief.

The opposite of grief is happiness. Acceptance. And looking at the positive and laughters of his/her life and the impact he/she made on yours. It is tears of happiness, tears of joy, tears from laughing so much at memories. It is a celebration of life.

Grief. And it’s antithesis. To me.

What do you think of when you think of grief? And it’s opposite?